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Posts Tagged ‘worst movies ever’

This is how I imagine it goes down for almost every horror film being made today:

Movie Producer: “So, Bob, you know…horror remakes are doing pretty well.  Don’t cost much to make, big market.  We need to get in on this.  Let’s remake, I don’t know…just pick one, Bob.”

Bob: “Ok.  Let’s do Friday the 13th.  I’ll go get a couple of undergrads at USC or a few waiters down at the local greasy spoon. We’ll offer them…what, 10 grand?”

Movie Producer:  “Fuck no, Bob!  What are you, stupid? Offer them 5 grand and throw in some of these bags of fucking peanuts that have been sittin’ around the office for the past few years.”

Bob:  “Sounds good.”

Movie Producer:  “Oh, and Bob:  make sure you the casting director finds a girl with big tits.  That ever been done in a horror film?  Big tits?”

Bob: “Yeah, I think it’s been done.  Big tits.  You got it.”

So Bob finds his “screen writers” and they get to work.  How do they get to work?  By cutting and pasting every single cliche of horror films from the “Big Book of Horror Cliches” that you can purchase…I don’t know, I guess at the campus bookstore.

And they remake Friday the 13th.  And they got a girl with nice, big tits.  After watching the film, I actually looked her up on IMDB to see if she appeared naked in anything else.  Her name is Julianna Guill, and boy does she have a nice set of tits.

Guess what?  I’m not the only person that looked her up after seeing this movie.  The ‘comments’ section is full of horny dudes wanting more Julianna.

1 star, but 5 star tits.

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God this movie.  I was duped into thinking that Adam “I don’t bother trying anymore” Sandler was still funny back in 2006.  I don’t know what got into me.

Actually, I know exactly what got into me.  Rather, who:  Kate Beckinsale.  Good god this woman is hot.  I have been a huge, salivating fan of hers since “Underworld.”  She’s on my short list of women I’d dump my wife for if ever given the chance (this is a safe way to fantasize about super hot women in front of my wife.  We both know that there is no way in hell that I’m ever meeting Kate Beckinsale, let alone Kate Beckinsale and I hooking up).

So my wife, actually she was my girlfriend at the time, and I went and saw “Click” in the theater.  Within 10 minutes we were walking out.  I just couldn’t believe the utter waste this movie was.  I know that it’s a really funny gag to give “has been” 80s stars cameos in movies, but seriously…David Hasselhoff???  What a fucking joke.  This loser doesn’t even belong on reality television, let alone movies.

All I remember about “Click”, besides wanted to vomit out of my ass, was an awkward stereotypical and racist character that was supposed to be Indian.  He was sitting around a conference table. I’m not even sure that I remember that scene correctly, and I don’t care either.  I left during that scene.  I found the first 10 minutes of this movie to be so god damn bad that we actually went in to see “The Lake House” with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock.  That’s how bad “Click” sucked: I willingly saw a chick flick.

And you know what?  I liked “The Lake House”.  I’m proud to say it.

Now, if anyone is actually reading this…you might be thinking to yourself, “But how can you review a movie that you only saw 10 minutes of”???   First, get the fuck off your high horse.  I’m not getting paid for this.  I do this for fun.  Second, the movie was so fucking bad in the first 10 minutes that I don’t need to stick around to see if it gets better.  So what if it does?  It could be a 90 minute movie and the last 80 minutes could be the best movie ever made and I wouldn’t care.  THIS MOVIE WAS TERRIBLE.

I actually dislike Adam Sandler for this movie.  What’s worse is that many people loved this movie.  You people suck too.

I realize I did less “reviewing” and more “ranting” about this movie.  This movie brings out the worst in me.

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