Friday the 13th (2009)

This is how I imagine it goes down for almost every horror film being made today:

Movie Producer: “So, Bob, you know…horror remakes are doing pretty well.  Don’t cost much to make, big market.  We need to get in on this.  Let’s remake, I don’t know…just pick one, Bob.”

Bob: “Ok.  Let’s do Friday the 13th.  I’ll go get a couple of undergrads at USC or a few waiters down at the local greasy spoon. We’ll offer them…what, 10 grand?”

Movie Producer:  “Fuck no, Bob!  What are you, stupid? Offer them 5 grand and throw in some of these bags of fucking peanuts that have been sittin’ around the office for the past few years.”

Bob:  “Sounds good.”

Movie Producer:  “Oh, and Bob:  make sure you the casting director finds a girl with big tits.  That ever been done in a horror film?  Big tits?”

Bob: “Yeah, I think it’s been done.  Big tits.  You got it.”

So Bob finds his “screen writers” and they get to work.  How do they get to work?  By cutting and pasting every single cliche of horror films from the “Big Book of Horror Cliches” that you can purchase…I don’t know, I guess at the campus bookstore.

And they remake Friday the 13th.  And they got a girl with nice, big tits.  After watching the film, I actually looked her up on IMDB to see if she appeared naked in anything else.  Her name is Julianna Guill, and boy does she have a nice set of tits.

Guess what?  I’m not the only person that looked her up after seeing this movie.  The ‘comments’ section is full of horny dudes wanting more Julianna.

1 star, but 5 star tits.

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Halloween (1978)

I’m breaking one of my own rules here:  reviewing a film that no longer needs to be reviewed, analyzed or talked about.  Enough has been said about this film.

But I can’t help it.  I love horror films, and this is my favorite of all time.  I also believe it to be one of the best movies of all time.  I’ll do my best to give you a fresh look at this film.

No film has ever captured the essence of the nightmare better than Halloween did.  It’s the way we see Michael Myers standing in the midground: he’s always hanging back just far enough to make his features difficult to read, yet close enough to the camera to know the protagonist (mostly Jamie Lee Curtis) is in grave danger.

On a hike, if a bear came out of nowhere and attacked you…would you be scared or would you just be in survival mode with no time for terror.

On a hike, if you suddenly see a bear off in the distance, standing on his hind legs and about to charge…just breathing down at you, staring at you with those large, dark eyes.  You have plenty of time to be terrified.

Unlike our real world terrors, however, Michael Myers walks and never runs.  We can’t escape our nightmares.  They walk behind us, always chasing.  Never in a hurry.

His face is emotionless.  Black eyes.  He is a voyeur, a sick pervert watching our lives unfold.  Biding his time.  He is not afraid to die because he cannot die.  He is a nightmare, a relic of our infancy, our traumatic birth.  He sleeps in the folds of human evolution.  We created him because we were created.

For a few years now I have been in a dream sequence.  A nightmarish world where I am being chased by a man or a demon or a shadow.  Always he wears the mask of Michael Myers.  I have ingested this villain.  My psyche spits him out at me during unguarded moments.

I’ve learned to live with him. I know what he represents for me. I haven’t spent years in therapy just so Michael Myers can terrorize me.  No. He represents my terror.  My rage.

And with each dream I understand more and I am less afraid.  Today he is nothing but a clown, an amusement.

But the psyche is not linear.  I know that a dream will come when he will grow to giant heights and wield his blade.  And stare down at me with the blackest of eyes. With the blackest of intentions.

I lived with terror as an infant.  I know Michael Myers.  I know what horror is.

Unlike our movie characters, however, I’ve learned how to deal with him.

5 stars.

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The Wolfman (2010)

I’m a horror movie fan.  I live for the next great horror film.  I know what makes a good horror flick, and it aint blood, blood, blood.  Well, sometimes it is.

This movie surprised me.  I don’t think much of “Antony” Hopkins (as Gwyneth Paltrow once proudly pronounced it).  When Antony is on the screen I feel as if he is thinking, “Now, audience, I expect that you know I am a great actor…capable of great things.  Watch as I walk around this chair.  See that? I did it without ever taking my eyes off the desk! Now that is acting!”

And he brings his old grumpy self to The Wolfman, that’s for sure.  But enough about Antony.

The Wolfman is a gorgeous film to look at.  I love the darkness of it.  I’ve never seen the Moors, but I imagine they are full of deadly whispers and black things in the night.  And fog.

That is what you get with The Wolfman:  atmosphere.  The entire film is draped with black blankets and gray mornings.

And the folklore.  I am a sucker for folklore.  I love how the local bar is full of weirdos sitting at their tables telling each other bedtime stories over a pint.  Oh, the Gypsies.  I can’t forget about the Gypsies!

The Wolfman also has Benicio Del Toro, who plays our protagonist Laurence.  He is a haunted man.  And a hunted one.  Hugo Weaving plays a Scotland Yard detective named Abberline, who sniffs out Laurence’s secret even before Laurence does. And The Wolfman has Emily Blunt as Gwen.    She is beautiful, sophisticated, tortured.  Am I talking about Ms. Blunt or her character Gwen?  Probably both.

The Wolfman creeps along, playing with the audience.  Around every corner there is a monster, the movie says. Watch out (insert loud, startling noise here)!  Long hallways and decrepit stairwells.  Ancient, crumbling columns and dirt stained windows. Who is lurking behind those curtains?  It’s The Wolfman and he’s going to rip out your throat!

This movie gives us plenty of blood, a little gore.  We see a few bodies get torn apart, a severed head or two.

Don’t take this movie serious and you’ll have a great time.  I did.

I hesitate between giving it 3 stars or 4.  Is it a rewatchable movie?  Only time will tell. Great performances?  As good as could be in this movie.  Perfectly cast.  Beautiful to look at. The movie slows down a little 2/3 of the way through.  Oh, did I mention the Gypsies?  I love Gypsies.

Does it appeal to a wide audience.  Probably not.  My wife wasn’t interested in it, but she doesn’t like horror films.  It doesn’t matter that this is not your typical 21st century horror film, that this Wolfman is a tribute to earlier films.  She could care less.

I didn’t marry her for her taste in films.

3 1/2 stars…unless I change my mind down a long,dark, whispery road.

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