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The Wolfman (2010)

I’m a horror movie fan.  I live for the next great horror film.  I know what makes a good horror flick, and it aint blood, blood, blood.  Well, sometimes it is.

This movie surprised me.  I don’t think much of “Antony” Hopkins (as Gwyneth Paltrow once proudly pronounced it).  When Antony is on the screen I feel as if he is thinking, “Now, audience, I expect that you know I am a great actor…capable of great things.  Watch as I walk around this chair.  See that? I did it without ever taking my eyes off the desk! Now that is acting!”

And he brings his old grumpy self to The Wolfman, that’s for sure.  But enough about Antony.

The Wolfman is a gorgeous film to look at.  I love the darkness of it.  I’ve never seen the Moors, but I imagine they are full of deadly whispers and black things in the night.  And fog.

That is what you get with The Wolfman:  atmosphere.  The entire film is draped with black blankets and gray mornings.

And the folklore.  I am a sucker for folklore.  I love how the local bar is full of weirdos sitting at their tables telling each other bedtime stories over a pint.  Oh, the Gypsies.  I can’t forget about the Gypsies!

The Wolfman also has Benicio Del Toro, who plays our protagonist Laurence.  He is a haunted man.  And a hunted one.  Hugo Weaving plays a Scotland Yard detective named Abberline, who sniffs out Laurence’s secret even before Laurence does. And The Wolfman has Emily Blunt as Gwen.    She is beautiful, sophisticated, tortured.  Am I talking about Ms. Blunt or her character Gwen?  Probably both.

The Wolfman creeps along, playing with the audience.  Around every corner there is a monster, the movie says. Watch out (insert loud, startling noise here)!  Long hallways and decrepit stairwells.  Ancient, crumbling columns and dirt stained windows. Who is lurking behind those curtains?  It’s The Wolfman and he’s going to rip out your throat!

This movie gives us plenty of blood, a little gore.  We see a few bodies get torn apart, a severed head or two.

Don’t take this movie serious and you’ll have a great time.  I did.

I hesitate between giving it 3 stars or 4.  Is it a rewatchable movie?  Only time will tell. Great performances?  As good as could be in this movie.  Perfectly cast.  Beautiful to look at. The movie slows down a little 2/3 of the way through.  Oh, did I mention the Gypsies?  I love Gypsies.

Does it appeal to a wide audience.  Probably not.  My wife wasn’t interested in it, but she doesn’t like horror films.  It doesn’t matter that this is not your typical 21st century horror film, that this Wolfman is a tribute to earlier films.  She could care less.

I didn’t marry her for her taste in films.

3 1/2 stars…unless I change my mind down a long,dark, whispery road.

“Click” (2006)

God this movie.  I was duped into thinking that Adam “I don’t bother trying anymore” Sandler was still funny back in 2006.  I don’t know what got into me.

Actually, I know exactly what got into me.  Rather, who:  Kate Beckinsale.  Good god this woman is hot.  I have been a huge, salivating fan of hers since “Underworld.”  She’s on my short list of women I’d dump my wife for if ever given the chance (this is a safe way to fantasize about super hot women in front of my wife.  We both know that there is no way in hell that I’m ever meeting Kate Beckinsale, let alone Kate Beckinsale and I hooking up).

So my wife, actually she was my girlfriend at the time, and I went and saw “Click” in the theater.  Within 10 minutes we were walking out.  I just couldn’t believe the utter waste this movie was.  I know that it’s a really funny gag to give “has been” 80s stars cameos in movies, but seriously…David Hasselhoff???  What a fucking joke.  This loser doesn’t even belong on reality television, let alone movies.

All I remember about “Click”, besides wanted to vomit out of my ass, was an awkward stereotypical and racist character that was supposed to be Indian.  He was sitting around a conference table. I’m not even sure that I remember that scene correctly, and I don’t care either.  I left during that scene.  I found the first 10 minutes of this movie to be so god damn bad that we actually went in to see “The Lake House” with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock.  That’s how bad “Click” sucked: I willingly saw a chick flick.

And you know what?  I liked “The Lake House”.  I’m proud to say it.

Now, if anyone is actually reading this…you might be thinking to yourself, “But how can you review a movie that you only saw 10 minutes of”???   First, get the fuck off your high horse.  I’m not getting paid for this.  I do this for fun.  Second, the movie was so fucking bad in the first 10 minutes that I don’t need to stick around to see if it gets better.  So what if it does?  It could be a 90 minute movie and the last 80 minutes could be the best movie ever made and I wouldn’t care.  THIS MOVIE WAS TERRIBLE.

I actually dislike Adam Sandler for this movie.  What’s worse is that many people loved this movie.  You people suck too.

I realize I did less “reviewing” and more “ranting” about this movie.  This movie brings out the worst in me.